Turning the IPL up a Notch

So now we actually get to watch it, and now there are actually some of our players in it, it turns out that the English don’t actually mind the IPL.  The over the top chutzpah that so infuriated us is in fact rather fun if we feel like we are involved.  It even goes on for far too long, which is how cricket should be.  It can’t be too long before we see the Mongoose unleashed at Taunton or a trumpet ring out at Canterbury.  Yet there are still some grey areas which seem to be bugging people.  With tongue firmly in cheek, let’s fix them.

The Mongoose

If some wally wants to go out with half a bat, let them I say.  However, the murmuring that this is somehow unfair on the bowlers won’t go away.  The Mongoose is a smaller bat which allegedly makes it easier to hit the ball miles.  Therefore, every time the batsman calls for his Mongoose, the bowler can call for a Cobra ball.  This is a ball double the size, but double the weight as well.  Let’s see Haydos belt that one for 6 from chin high while holding what looks like the stubby end of a pool cue.

Time Outs

I don’t really know what a tactical time out is, or why you would need one.  I like to imagine that they might be a Phil Brown style rant, so let’s show this rather than another advert for a mobile phone I have never heard of.  Stephen Fleming in front of a whiteboard bellowing at Doug Bolinger for bowling a long hop is my kind of entertainment.  Get Sharpies to sponsor the whiteboard, and everyone is a winner.

Caps

Seemingly an attempt to turn cricket into the Tour de France.  If you are going to do it, do it properly.  Get the leading batsman and bowler wearing proper crowns while they play.  The idea of seeing Jaques Kallis play a perfect drive through the covers while wearing a gold crown pleases me.  Not only that, it brings out the gentleman and amateur history, which is bound to cheer up the old duffers.

Free Hits

Poor old Ian Bishop.  He has to commentate on a game that he sounds endlessly bored by.  The only time he really gets animated is when a bowler oversteps, allowing a free hit.  “It’s too far!” he moans.  “The game is too lenient to the batsman!”.  Chin up Bish.  Every ugly hack which the batsman fails to connect with, the bowler gets a “free aim”.  No batsman, but no keeper either so if you miss the stumps, it goes for 4.  The umpire gets final say on what is “ugly” – to ensure fairness, Paul Collingwood is exempt from this rule.

 All ideas copyrighted to me.

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April Fool

Been a bit quiet this week, due to work/laziness/Football Manager.  Another couple of updates to come tomorrow, but I stumbled across this http://www.guardian.co.uk/sport/blog/2010/apr/01/world-cup-left-hand-batsman this morning.

Surely has to be the first time cricket has been used for a national newspapers gag?  Assuming of course that it is an April Fool – Lord help us if it isn’t.  There have also been some places reporting that Ryan Sidebottom has made the T20 squad – I’m guessing you were all too smart to fall for that one though.

Cricket – so popular that The Grauniad are making topical jokes about it.

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If Cricketers were Pop Stars

No, I haven’t done anything in the last couple of days.  So, as it is Friday, it’s time for a tenuous-at-best comparison of popular musical figures to some of the best players in the world!  And Graham Onions!

Sachin Tendulkar - Coldplay

Universally popular and completely inoffensive.  A dodgy period in the middle of the noughties, but now getting bigger and better with age.  Will probably go on forever.

Kevin Pietersen - Eminem

The kids love him, the adults remain suspicious.  Revolutionary?  Certainly.  Will he be remembered as a great in 20 years?  Questionable.

Graham Onions – Franz Ferdinand

Does something brilliant, which everyone who matters seems to have forgotten about a week later.  Is quiet for a little while, then does something brilliant again, which everyone who matters forgets about immediately again.  Repeat.

Rahul Dravid - Radiohead 

Often mentioned as the favourite of someone who likes others to know how intelligent and knowledgable they are.  In reality so incredibly efficient that watching/listening to them becomes incredibly boring.

Daniel Vettori - U2

Have fingers in almost every pie going.  Ability has pretty much ceased to be important – without them, charity cases would fall apart.

Brad Haddin - JD Fortune (INXS)

On an absolute hiding to nothing.  No matter how good they are, everyone will always say that their predecessors were better.  And they will be right.

Shakib-Al-Hasan – Jack White

If you want things done properly, do it yourself.   Every time they leave it to the others, the whole thing falls down in a crumpled heap.

Ray Price – Nana Mouskouri

Allegedly one of the most successful in their field in the world.  Yet ask anyone on the street, and you will be met with a resounding “Who?”.

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The Secret Diary of Liam Plunkett, aged 24 ¾

October 8th

The missus takes a phone call in the morning, she says it is a man named Geoff for me.  A call up to the England side!  Finally, the hard work over the past couple of years has paid off.  I only manage to make the Test squad, which seems a bit odd as apparently Saj Mahmood is in the ODI squad.  Oh well, can’t complain.

November 18th 

Arrive in South Africa early due to injuries, just in time to see old horse face get smashed all round the park in the one dayers.  Nobody else does much better.  Heh heh heh.  I am bound to have climbed up the pecking order now.

December 15th 

Andy sits me down, and says I have just missed out on selection for the first test.  Oh well, I can’t be too far off a return now.  He encourages me to keep working at my game, so I buy a stump, head to the nets and work on hitting the top of it.

 January 3rd

Still no game.  I have managed to keep busy for the past few weeks by bowling at one stump a lot and dicking about with walkie-talkies whenever the camera is on me.  Jimmy has a bad knee and Stuart keeps swearing at umpires, so it feels like I will be getting a game soon.

 January 13th

Rumour has it that Onions is tired, and will be missing out on the last test.  Brilliant, this has to be my chance!

 January 17th

They picked Sidebottom.  Jesus wept.  England bowl a load of old tripe and lose.  Obviously.  All the while, my line and length at one stump is quite fantastic.  I must be getting close to a game now.

 January 18th

The selectors have obviously seen the error of their ways, and have picked me for all three squads to go to Bangladesh.  Excellent, all this extra work over the winter is paying off!  Colly is moaning about the golf courses on the sub-continent, but I won’t have time for that with all the cricket I will be playing.

February 20th 

The final Twenty20 was today, but still no game.  Someone called Amjal opened the bowling in the last game.  I don’t know who he is.  Andy and Cookie haven’t spoken to me for a few days now.  They must be saving me for the one dayers.

 February 28th

The one dayers started today, but my name wasn’t on the list.  Sidebottom seems to be playing again though.  I go and get my stump.

 March 2nd

Finally pluck up the courage to ask Andy why I’m not playing.  He seems surprised to see me, but promises me a game if we win the second ODI, which we do!  My chance to shine!  Slightly worried that my name is down as “Lee” on the teamsheet though – must be a printing mistake.

 March 5th

2 overs!  2 ****ING OVERS!  Amjal comes in, opens the bowling, goes at 6.11 an over and gets 9 overs.  Having traipsed around carrying KP’s bag all winter, I go at 6 and get 2 overs.  Not only that, they put me down to bat at 11!  And Pietersen bowls my other 8 overs!

 March 7th

Everyone is injured, so I am guaranteed a start in the test matches.  We even have to draft in some tall guy called Steven to make up the numbers for the tour game!  I bowl pretty well, and feel confident that my international career will begin again on Friday.

 March 11th

People keep interviewing Steven.  I don’t know what this means.

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South Africa v. England Drinking game

1 finger of beer whenever KP winces after stretching, just to remind everyone he is still a bit injured.

1 finger of beer whenever Graeme Smith or Jaques Kallis turn down a single that you think you could have made.

1 finger of beer every time Beefy recommends a fielding change about 2 seconds after Smith or Strauss have already made it.

1 finger of beer every time the commentator explodes because the ball has gone between two slips.

1 finger of beer for every “Bumblism”.  “Start the car” etc.

1 finger of beer for every use of the word “whack”.

1 finger of beer every time Matt Prior is criticised for his keeping.

1 pint of beer every time Matt Prior is praised for his keeping.

3 fingers of Castle Lager every time someone points out that 4 of England’s top 6 are South African.

1 shot of tequila when it first becomes apparent that Beefy was talking out of his arse at the pitch report.

1 bottle of vodka if Paul Allott is mentioned.  Game abandoned if he is a surprise guest in the commentary box.

1 shot of rum every time David Gower does a posh voiceover to a video of local wildlife.

1 shot of Baileys whenever the words “Anderson”, “leader” and “attack” appear in the same sentence.

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The Many Faces of Jonathan Trott

With the range of emotions shown by Jonathan Trott over the past 6 months, it is hard to keep up with how he is feeling at any one time.  For your convenience, here are some to look out for with a helpful description of what they mean.

“I’m working hard on my game”

“I’ve just got out”

“A smile to keep the suits happy.”

“I’ve won the Ashes for England”

“We’ve just whipped South Africa”

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